You are being lied to

12:15pm - Arrive at apple store for an iphone replacement (or what I HOPE will be a replacement). Its crowded, never good news. 

12:17pm  - A 16 year with emo glasses and long hair walks up and says “hey bro! Whats up?? My name’s Adam what brings you in today??”  Yes, he is one of those type of people.  I already know at this point I don’t like Adam, probably will never like adam and that we have nothing in common.  I explain to him the various issues with my iphone. 

Adam:    No problem bro!  Let’s set you up with one of our geniuses!

Me: Who are these geniuses you speak of?

Adam: bro those are the folks back there that will fix you up no problem! they are the best! They are known as our apple geniuses

Me: Oh that’s rich

    So adam then sets me up with a 12:20 appointment,(I tell him my name is Roy) which is great because I only have to wait 3 mins.  Adam then starts talking to himself out loud.  He is describing the clothes I am wearing as he is entering them into his PDA.

Me: Please stop doing that.

Adam: Its ok Roy! this way the genius that helps you can find you easier.  You don’t gotta sweat it at all, THEY will come find YOU, just hang out and look around! You check out the new ipad yet??

Me:  I promise I will be VERY easy to find, there is no need for that. 

  I am realizing more that my completely unprovoked hatred of apple for all of these years was actually well worth it.  So then  i wander around and pretend like I’m going to buy an Ipad, but of course I’m really not.  Fun fact:  The ipad, while billed as innovative and multi-functional, is actually useless piece of whale shit. 

12:45pm -   They still have not found me for my 12:20 appointment. Anger rising. 

12:48pm - A young Indian man named “Fasul,” came over and told me he would be helping me out today.  After explaining the problem, AGAIN (because I just love repeating myself), he took my phone and hooked it up to diagnose the issues.

12:54pm - Fasul is back.  He asks me if the phone is registered under a different name. I tell him “Yes, my name is Roy, its short for Nick.”   I then have to confirm my real name and address for him.  The look on his face is priceless.

12:59- Fasul is back again.  He tells me that the reason for my poor battery life is MY fault.  Of course it is, it couldnt be the fact that the battery is a year and a half old and is past its useful life. No.  That can’t be it.  It can’t be it because Fasul’s computer SAID it can’t be it.  ALWAYS make it the customer’s fault, anyone who has spent 5 mins in customer service knows that.  The good news is that Fasul can repair the screen and send me on my way, along with a few “tricks,” (his words) to do for more battery life. 

 Me: Fasul, I would be MUCH more happier with a replacement iphone.  I must have watched 4 people get replacement iphones in the time I have been here.  What do you say we do that and call it a day?  Let’s do that, let’s do exactly that.

Fasul:  I am VERY sorry sir, but the issues with your phone do not warrant a replacement under our policy.  If you follow the steps I have explained to you things should go much smoother for you!

Me:  But what about the service issues?  Do you know any tricks for that?  Your computer said I was at like a 20% dropped call rate,  UNACCEPTABLE Fasul.  What can we do about that? I mean AT&T is has the least dropped calls right? Well apparently my iphone has a different opinion.

Fasul:  For that particular issue I couldn’t really tell you all that much, I can give you the name of someone at the AT&T store across the way that will help you out.  Just a sec I’ll get his card.

Me: (interrupting Fasul): That won’t be necessary. 

Fasul: Ok, well I’ll get your screen replaced, we’ll fill out some paperwork, and then we’ll have you on your way in no time. 

Me: Great, lets get me out of here.

1:10 pm - So i take out my repaired iphone.  Push button.  Slide finger to unlock.  Press phone icon.  Press favorites button.  Press “mom’s cell”.  Calling mom’s cell…..Calling mom’s cell…..

Me:”Dont you do this to me you piece of shit!!!”  This gets a few uneasy, cautious looks from fellow King of Prussia mall shoppers.  A mother with 2 young kids in tow does a 90 degree turn to walk on the opposite side of the mall to avoid me.

Calling mom’s cell…..Calling mom’s cell…………Call failed.

Love it.  Just love it, love it, love it, love it.